Cubicles Kill – How you can Fight Back


Everyday in America, millions of wage slaves are subjected to the intensely mundane environment of the office cubicle. Sadly, many of these workers will become financially and emotionally dependent on the cubicle, thus dashing any hope for a better tomorrow.

Let us analyze some troubling facts facing America’s growing population of cubicle workers.

The Facts

  • 41,250,000 Americans work in cubicles
  • 44% of cubicle workers are obese. (63% just a little chubby)
  • 39,000,000 gallons of gasoline are burned every day, just to get these fatties to work.
  • 8,900,000 hamburgers at McDonalds and other fast food restaurants nourish these workers every day.
  • 3,560 Cows are slaughtered per day to sustain hamburger demand.
  • 27,450,000 bottles of soda are consumed by cubicle workers per day. That’s over 1.75 billion grams of sugar.
  • 198,000,000 hours of the human experience spent in disappointment and sorrow.

An Analysis

Based on the figures presented above, I’ve concluded that cubicles make humans large, wasteful, and unhappy.

How You Can Fight Back

Volume. 41,250,000 Americans work in cubicles. Simply, this number is too high. Ideally, we should aim to whittle this number down to 106,000. Fight back by quitting your job and pursuing something you love. Doing something you enjoy will bring far more satisfaction and accomplishment to your life.

Healthy Movement. The obesity rate among cubicle workers is significantly higher than their blue coller counterpart. The health risks of sitting down for long periods of time is well documented. The scary part is that cubicle life is an independent health risk you cannot suppress, no matter how healthy you live otherwise. It’s just like smoking. You can exercise and eat right every, but smoking will still impact your health independently. You can fight back by refusing to sit down. Arrange your cubicle to allow standing while you work. Sitting endlessly is the root of the problem, so do anything in your power to change this. Humans are not designed to be stationary beings, like rocks. We are lightning charged organic mosaics able to glide through time thoughtfully. Enjoy every second of it.

Healthy Eating. And if you truly want health, stop eating meat and sugar. Sugar is poison, and when combined with meat, causes heart failure and a range of cancers. It is beyond the scope of this article, but healthy eating requires an elimination of processed sugars (those in candy and soda), and limiting meat intake (especially red meat).

Waste. Every time you drive to work in rush hour traffic you are putting your life at risk. Car accidents kill more people than any other type of accident. Why put yourself at risk of death to sit behind a cubicle?