The Officer Manager’s Dictionary – A

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A collection of office jargon and terms are designed specifically for the man or woman assigned to the management of cubicle wage slaves. A competent office manager should have a firm understanding of these terms. Let us start with the letter A.

A

ABILITY, n. The quality that distinguishes competent employees from those slated for termination. 

ABSENT, adj. Describes an employee when they are not at an assigned place at an assigned time.

ACCOUNTABILITY, n.  A performance duty adhered to by the employee, from which the manager can assign fault if adherence is not achieved: Tamika did not show accountability for her performance this quarter, therefor we terminated her employment. 

AFRICAN-AMERICAN, n.  The dark-skinned employees originally imported from the country of Africa. *One must take special care when using alternative terms to communicate with dark-skinned employees including: black, colored, darkie, ebony, afro-american, nigger, my nigga, coon, cornbread, monkey, creature, antique farm equipment, jigaboo, jungle-bunny, or pickaninny. It is advised to altogether avoid these terms whenever possible. 

AGE, n. The time of existence to which an employee or object is measured.

ALLAH, n. A imaginary religious deity of the Moslem employee. *Managers are advised to avoid speaking the word Allah, as this has been known evoke terrorist activity. 

APOLOGY, n. 1. An expression of guilt to be recited by an employee to a manager when performance is unacceptable. I’m sorry for losing the Goldstein account, please don’t take away my bonus. 2. An expression of false sympathy by a manager to an employee who is ineligible for a salary increase. Your performance is top-notch, but we just don’t have room in the budget to afford your raise right now. 

APPRAISAL, n. An analysis of employee performance to determine if adjustments are required to improve attitude.

ART, n. The result of a wandering, free-thinking mind. Most often expressed as a human generated visual anomaly. The office manager must do all in his power to surpress the creation of ART.

ARTLESSNESS, n. The ideal quality to which all office work should conducted, minimizing risk of artistic creation.

ATTITUDE (Positive), n.  An outward expression of cheerfulness to be fabricated by the employee and put on exhibit at all times.

ATTITUDE (Negative), n. An outward expression of melancholy that is forbidden durning work hours, and only permitted in the privacy of one’s own home.

 

  • Mihai Valentin Constantin

    So very true…. Corporations force us to have 2 personalities…. No matter what bad stuff happens in your life (death of a loved one, troubles with the law or what not) you have to be blissful while in the stupid office.